Sharon in Wonderland

I was downloading some music onto the new iPhone I just purchased and I was waiting for things to load, you know the drill, and I happened to come across something of interest to me. My ex and I used to eat at Chinese buffets frequently. I hated it, but he loved it so I took one for the team, right. I received many many fortune cookies over time, but one seemed to stick out in my head. He and I were going through a rough time (this was a few months before the initial breakup) and I was questioning his love for me. The fortune I received said something along the lines of, " If you take what you have and set it free, and it comes back, then you know it was truly yours to begin with." This struck me with amazement because I automatically thought about him and how if I let him go and he still wanted to be with me, then he really did love me. I read him the fortune cookie aloud at the table and he smiled. I knew we wouldn't last at the very moment. But, naturally, love makes y...

This year, the holiday's haven't been very holiday-like. Christmas this year came so fast. It is in about two days, and I can't believe it. I finally wrapped Christmas gifts last night. Finished the majority of my shopping, and am off until Friday from work. Normally, the holiday's are incredibly joyful for me, but this year, it hasn't been so cheery. I have so much to be grateful for, but life has been a bitch these last few months. It's putting a damper on my holiday. The music is just another melody. The decorations are just blurs of light. The gifts are just symbols of sympathy. It's just going to be another day. However, my favorite part about the holiday season is the giving  part. I love shopping for people. I live for it this time of year. I hit a bunch of sales the other day, and got my list done.  Finally. And afterward, I fell onto the bed and slept for 5 hours. I was exhausted from standing in line all day. Tomorrow, for Christmas Eve, my dad, st...

Time doesn't stop for anyone. Although, sometimes we all want it to. When I'm sitting here, thinking about the past, present, and future, time still ticks away. Our lives, at every ticking second, are fading slowly. Some people fear death. I don't really do anymore. None of us are angels. I really see myself living to mid-forties, and that's it. It's not a bad thing. I just, have always thought I'd never grow old . But, define old. How old are our souls? Really. We could be in existence for thousands of years. Not in this body. Or this time sense. But our souls. I become so fatigued sometimes. I feel as if, it's because I have been alive  for so long. Being alive sometimes hurts. It gets tiresome. I wonder how if feels to never be worn out or tired. Never to be ready to sleep. I wonder if Heaven is as just. Never sleeping. Always wanting to be awake and alive. Never wanting to not be aware. I like being unaware sometimes, though. It feels nice to not have to...

I am not as strong as I thought I could be. I can't do it anymore. I sit here nauseated at the thought. Why must I be so difficult with myself...why am I torturing myself so much? When will the seas become calm? When will my nightmares subside, into dreams? I want to be normal again. I am very upset. And, I don't think I can talk about it any further. I am going to try for some sleep, even though, I haven't slept in months. I slept so well when I knew he would be there to say goodmorning and now, the last I remember is goodbye, which does nothing for a new day...

I am sitting here drenched in my own tears. I miss him so much. I am so pathetic. I wish I could go back to when things were different, when I could say to any human at any given time, that I was happy. I was in love. Being in love gave me the courage to move forward and know that I wasn't alone. I was very dependent, which was not a good thing, but it felt good to know he was there. Now, alone my heart lies, knowing that he doesn't care. After everything I've gone through, after the break up these past almost four months, all the hell he put me through, I still would try again. I still would let go of the past and move on together. Why do people fall out of love? I thought true love never died. He said we had all the love in the universe. He promised me forever. He gave me his love and his heart. Then one day, it was gone. He was gone. His heart and his love, were gone. I've been down this road before with myself. I cry and get depressed over him, then wake up the next...

I have a problem. The problem is not wanting to go to class. I know I should. I know education is one of the most important things in life, but I can't do it anymore. I just don't want to. I see life as having more things to do than going to class. I am very very intelligent, that's not the problem. The problem is, I have lost all drive to go and sit, and pretend that I like it. Pretend that I'm interested. Many people believe me to have ADD and Bi-Polar disorder. I have yet to seek medical help, but maybe I should. I enjoy life very much, but here's the thing; I want to live it on my terms. That's just being ignorant. I seriously think I can do whatever I want and think everyone else is wrong. Now, I am a leader and always have been, but I just want to step back and smell the roses. Sit down on the park bench instead of leading the crowd down the street. I want to live a simple life alone, and do what I want. I don't have a problem working, I like to work. ...

There is a girl that I know. Everything that comes out of her mouth is honest. Her words are kind. Her mind is free. Her soul is deep. Her body is beautiful. She believes in the unbelievable. She is amazed by the uninteresting. She is pure and true. Her smile lights up a room. Her voice brings happiness to anyone who hears it. She is trustworthy. She is diligent. She is dependable. She is not perfect. But, she is my hero. Whether she knows it or not, this does not matter. I really don't want her to know. I want her to keep living her life, in the way she is, so I can follow her footsteps. She is like an image of someone I have always wanted to be. I am not jealous or green with envy. I respect her and her ways. I want to challenge myself to be like her and live like her. She is modest and brave. Her name need not be recognized. Her face need not be shown. For it is what's inside, on what influences me to be better. To be creative and just. To practice kindness even to those who...

I am proud to annouce once again, I have been awarded yet another award by yet another amazing woman. A special thanks to Rhi from Peanut Butter Bound .  I pass this award onto the following: Is Happiness Possible? The Junky's Wife Scream Quietly Excess Baggage Everything Under the Sun Broken Mannequin  1 door away from Heaven Part II You all speak words of truth and light. We all face hardships that are similar. And we are all getting through them together... one day at a time.

Mind over matter they say, right? Wrong. I don't think it's necessarily, "mind over matter." Matter is anything that has mass and takes up space. Some types of matter have an impact on nouns (a person, place, or thing, and even idea)  and influence persons to do certain things. As we are all parts of society, we all have our influence on each other. There are things in this world that cause us to do certain things. These are called emotions. Emotions come from experience that we have gained from things we have done. So, how do emotions cause us to feel insane? Sometimes life gets so unbearable that we come to the conclusion that something is wrong. I'm beginning to think we create this illusion. I always try to come up with something to explain what's going on in my life. I try to find an explanation or something to blame it on, when maybe it is just, circumstance. Fate. Destiny even?  I want to just be. Be alive. Be happy. Be sane. Be able. Be (insert adjecti...

I am proud to announce that I have been awarded the Honest Scrap Award by a wonderful and talented woman. Her poetry and words sooth my soul and truly make my mind shake with the comforting notion that life is a wonderland and we are all broken mannequins .  Thank you Charli !!! The rules for this look pretty easy: 1. List 10 honest things about myself (TRUE and interesting things- not just the color of your socks!) 2. Pass the award on to 7 bloggers . 10 Truths about myself: 1. I over complicate the most simple situations. I do it because I like a challenge. 2. The thing I am most afraid of in life, is to fail. I want to be able to say when I'm old and dying that I am truly happy with the life I have lived. I don't think I can live with myself if I have failed at being the person I want to be. 3. I put too much faith in other people who always seem to end up disappointing me, when in fact, I shouldn't blame them, we are all humans. What did I honestly expect? 4. I plan my ...

Things are slowly getting better. I told my parents and closest people who knew the situation about the whole ordeal with my ex the other day. I am feeling much better to be quite honest. Everyone that I spoke to about it, said it didn't have to be taken as a bad thing. This was closure for me. This is the end of the rope. I know what I don't want and what I do want. After being hurt and used and manipulated, at least now I know what I am made of. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? Today was pleasant!! IT SNOWED! IT TOTALLY SNOWED ! Yeah, sorry, I've never seen snow before!!!!!! It was so amazing!!! Snow in Louisiana is  so uncommon. I woke up this morning, and there was snow EVERYWHERE. I ran outside and was like "holy crap this is great!" I yelled at my mom and she ran outside and I threw a snowball at her. I mean, it is what I suppose one would call, "Wet Snow" because it happened in such a southern place. It melted not long aft...

I broke up with him last night. Plain and simple. I told him that I thought we should just be friends and that I wasn't feeling happy in the relationship. He was upset, but took it very well. He said it's ok that we both could use some time to think. I was upset. I couldn't believe I did it, so guess who I called? The ex. The one I still love. And boy o boy, was that the most stupid thing I could have done. He answered after the first ring. He was friendly, and I told him what had happened and what has been happening  in my life. He was comforting and there for me. I cried and cried and yelled and just was so distraught. We ended up talking for three hours. We talked about anything and everything that had been going on and that had been happening. He asked me if I wanted to come over tomorrow, which was actually today since this happened yesterday, and I said "yeah, sure" excitedly. He did tell me that he did not want to be with my anymore and he didn't have ...

I am having a bad day. I went to class, all day, for once and it made me never want to go back. People are so rude and insipid. I called in sick to work, went to Beaumont, TX with my best friend and bought hair color and went home, which was stupid because Beaumont is an hour away. I guess I just wanted to drive and get away from the same old roads and the same old faces. I dyed my hair black, again. I like it. It's classy, and it's also shorter. Different. Unique. I'm having some trouble lately . I want love again. I want to be able to be in love with someone. The guy I'm with, gives me the vibe that he is incapable of loving. Yeah, he's nice and holds my hand and kisses me, and that's it. Literally, nothing more. Now, I'm all for taking it slow and all that, but I'm getting bored and impatient. I've tried talking to him and he just says "that's the way I am." I don't know if I have room for advancement, you know? I mean, is thi...

It's been a few days, ladies and gentlemen, but I am back! So, that "virus" type episode from earlier this week? Yeah, I ended up going to the doctor about it on let's see, Wednesday I do believe, and they couldn't find anything wrong.  I said, okay doc, something is going on with me and I am requesting some blood work done. They tested my blood and come to find out...I am anemic! My hemoglobin's were 10 and my I ron was 32! ! It was awful and I am finally on some Iron supplements and am feeling a wee bit better. Now, everyone knows WHY I was feeling so out of it! Success! Finally everyone is like, wow she really isn't a hypochondriac! *gasps* I've had quite an interesting week. I've been sick most of it, but being sick doesn't necessarily mean bad . I had much time to think. I have been staying with my mother this week, as she tends to take better care of me than my father, and I really enjoyed my visit with her. I arrived back home today a...

Have you ever just had such a bizarre day that you really can't even find any sort of explanation for it? I had one of those today. I set three alarms this morning. One for 6:45, one for 6:55, and one for 7:00. Normally, I wake up to them and lie in bed for a few minutes and look around and plan my day. Well today, I remember them going off, looking around, and the falling back asleep. I woke up again at 10:47 and I couldn't believe it. I got up, went to the bathroom, and went straight back to sleep, like a zombie. Even if I would have wanted to get up I don't think my body or my mind, whichever was in control, would have let me. I laid back down and woke up again at 4:17. I completely missed school and everything I had planned for today. The bizarre thing about today was that when my eyes opened, I felt like I was somewhere else. I couldn't move out of bed. I honestly, felt like I had been dead. Now that I look back, it really scares the shit out of me. I had no contro...