Don't mind me, I don't matter.

Mind over matter they say, right? Wrong. I don't think it's necessarily, "mind over matter." Matter is anything that has mass and takes up space. Some types of matter have an impact on nouns (a person, place, or thing, and even idea)  and influence persons to do certain things. As we are all parts of society, we all have our influence on each other. There are things in this world that cause us to do certain things. These are called emotions. Emotions come from experience that we have gained from things we have done.

So, how do emotions cause us to feel insane? Sometimes life gets so unbearable that we come to the conclusion that something is wrong. I'm beginning to think we create this illusion.

I always try to come up with something to explain what's going on in my life. I try to find an explanation or something to blame it on, when maybe it is just, circumstance. Fate. Destiny even? 

I want to just be. Be alive. Be happy. Be sane. Be able. Be (insert adjective here.) I just want to exist and succeed as another living breathing being on this planet. 

I really, most of all, want to stop thinking about everything. I swear I over think everything. I think too much about life, today, tomorrow, next year, next life, work, school, family, the dog next door; it gets tiring.

I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I want to sleep for a few years and just wake up. That would be so interesting. To fall asleep for five years, wake up and be exactly the same, yet have everything around you change.

Inside my head, I want a quiet life. Nothing too overdone. Something elegant and classy being completely planned. I want my life to flow like a jazz melody across a grand piano. Running so smoothly that the bad can do nothing but slide off the outer shell. My morning cup of coffee can do no harm and only good to the beautiful thoughts of the current calendar day. I want a private lawn with a perfect garden in the city.

I've noticed that time is the best medicine for everything. When something bad happens, people say, "Oh give it time..." It's true. However, time is also something that can break one down to the lowest core. Time makes me realize that I've been in this life, struggling or not, and merely existing. I want to just exist. I am unclear on if I want to have a purpose or not. I feel as if I have one, but I'm not sure if I want to. I want to be in complete control of my life. Isn't that selfish. It's not like I want to challenge God, I just want to be my own God.

I have such high ambitions, I feel I am the only one who can do them, nobody else, let alone God. Besides, it's not his problem, it's mine. So why not give me control over my life and what happens to me? Maybe he is...

Nothing else compares to the visions in my mind. Even though I don't literally see them in reality, my dreams are everything I want to be. Is it wrong to falsely see things that most likely will never happen?

Sometimes, it's the only think that gets me through the day, and the night and that is my satisfaction.