Love has ruined my life.

I am sitting here drenched in my own tears. I miss him so much. I am so pathetic. I wish I could go back to when things were different, when I could say to any human at any given time, that I was happy. I was in love. Being in love gave me the courage to move forward and know that I wasn't alone. I was very dependent, which was not a good thing, but it felt good to know he was there. Now, alone my heart lies, knowing that he doesn't care. After everything I've gone through, after the break up these past almost four months, all the hell he put me through, I still would try again. I still would let go of the past and move on together.

Why do people fall out of love? I thought true love never died. He said we had all the love in the universe. He promised me forever. He gave me his love and his heart. Then one day, it was gone. He was gone. His heart and his love, were gone.

I've been down this road before with myself. I cry and get depressed over him, then wake up the next day and move on. But, it's those nights when everything reminds me of him, that I can't get over it. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't move.

Love has ruined my life.

And, there is nothing anyone can do about it. Friends, family, whoever, tell me, move on this, move on that; but it's not that easy. It hurts. For a long time. Forever sometimes. I planned for him to always be there. And now that he isn't, I can't function.

I need help. I need someone to help me through this, but I can't find anyone, or anything. I want to drink an out of love potion. Would it be better of if he were just dead and gone? Would I still think about it?

This is in fact, the hardest road I have ever gone down. Since we separated, my life has been spiraling downward, and fast. I feel so pathetic to let a guy do this to me. I am such a strong woman, and I feel awful letting this control my life. But, there is nothing I can do anymore. It's out of my control. I can't handle it anymore.

I am only human. Love is so un-human. I don't see how love gets people anywhere. People cannot be trusted! People cannot be depended on! Ever! I did, and this is what happened to me.

We were amazing. We were in amazingly beautiful, real, love. I was enthralled. I was blessed and lucky and adorned to be in love and to be loved back. I thought it never would end. He said he would never end it. He promised me that, he swore it. And look, he did. He failed, epically.

Promises are always broken.

As I write, I feel lost and sad. Left behind. I feel angry for his lies and his distrust. But, I still don't care. I don't care about the pain. I am living in a false reality that things will change.

After our "escapade" the other day, I was heartbroken, again. I wanted to be with him so badly. He did not feel any different. WHY? I did nothing wrong. I did not change. I was the same old Sharon, as I have been since day one.

I want to get over this...or do I? Maybe I like being miserable. I really bottle all these emotions inside. I look so happy day to day, when in fact, I am a monster inside.

I don't want to hear the same shit. I know "I need to get over it." "It's not going to happen again." "Move on!" "You can do better!" BLAH!

I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being lost. I tried being with other people. But, I was so in love with him, that I failed! I failed. I rushed things. I was controlling. I wanted to make sure things went the way that I wanted them to.

Nothing goes right anymore. Every thought is blurry. Everywhere I go, I see us. I see him. I see me. I see our future. The future we planned.

Falling in love at such a young age is bad. It is very very bad, and dangerous.

Love is dangerous,

And,

Love is a battlefield.

So, we are not going to be together. Okay, now what? He gets to live happy and free while I stay miserable and broken! FUCK THAT! 

When does karma kick in? How long does it take? What about the three fold law in Wicca...can that please kick in? Maybe even a 187 fold law! 1,000,000,000 fold law! He needs to feel the pain, I do. I want him to cry and drag his ass on the floor for once.

I love him. I hate him. I want him. I don't.

What is this? Why?

I tried to make things what I wanted... but...

Guess what? You can't control anybody. Not even yourself.

Forgive me for my ranting. I am just another woman, taken for granted, by another asshole; just another statistic.

We always said, we wouldn't be another statistic. We would be the high school couple who grew old together unlike all our friends growing up. We would sit and reminisce to our grand children about our fifty year marriage. We would be unstoppable, unbreakable, inseparable. We made that promise. 

The promise is broken, and I hate love.