Alive at last.

Time doesn't stop for anyone. Although, sometimes we all want it to. When I'm sitting here, thinking about the past, present, and future, time still ticks away. Our lives, at every ticking second, are fading slowly.

Some people fear death. I don't really do anymore. None of us are angels. I really see myself living to mid-forties, and that's it. It's not a bad thing. I just, have always thought I'd never grow old. But, define old. How old are our souls? Really. We could be in existence for thousands of years. Not in this body. Or this time sense. But our souls.

I become so fatigued sometimes. I feel as if, it's because I have been alive for so long. Being alive sometimes hurts. It gets tiresome. I wonder how if feels to never be worn out or tired. Never to be ready to sleep.

I wonder if Heaven is as just. Never sleeping. Always wanting to be awake and alive. Never wanting to not be aware. I like being unaware sometimes, though. It feels nice to not have to think about things. To just be able to close my young hazel eyes, and dream.

It's been such a very long time since I've dreamed. I want good dreams. All I've been getting the past half year, are nightmares. Some people refer to dreams as nightmares also. I refer to them as separate entities. Dreams are good. Nightmares are not.

Death knocks at our door, every second. Sometimes, I often wonder how I will die. When doesn't bother me, as much as how. Will I get killed in a car accident? Will i get shot? Will I have a terminal disease? Will I die in my sleep?

Will it be accidental, homicidal, suicidal, or natural?

No one person knows tomorrow. Things happen so quickly. Thanks to time. I could die tomorrow. You could too.

This must be where the phrase "Live everyday as your last" comes from. But we cannot. We have to prepare for tomorrow, and next week. If I knew today was my last, I sure wouldn't be doing my norm. I would do something extraordinary. Something bold and spontaneous.

After all, death is spontaneous.

One of my all time favorite quotes, I will share.

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that is troublesome."

It's true indeed. Life is great. We merrily live as time ticks away. We die, and it's nothing. Nothing to worry for anymore. Peace.

But, it's transitioning from the two...

I wonder how that feels.

I went through a stage in my life as a young teenager with death. I was severely paranoid. I was afraid of getting out at a gas station, for fear of getting shot. I was afraid to drive with my mom to the store for fear of getting hit and killed. I was afraid of any passing airplane in the sky, as fear that it were a terrorist.

I couldn't live my life.

Sitting here now, I really don't know what changed. It just, did. I guess, I realized that worrying about dying wasn't going to change the fact of the matter, if I did.

I was maybe 16 or 17, when I accepted the fact of death. Maybe when I realize for certain there is a God. 

As for God, I am a Christian. I have had various religious affiliations. I was raised Christian. I then became Agnostic as a pre-teen. Rebellion, I presume. I then went from that, to Pagan/Wiccan. After that, I became completely Atheist for a while. Now, all of a sudden the past half year, I came back to Christianity. Something led me completely off the Cristian path. I have yet to determine what it was. 

I do not discriminate any religion. I'm not one of those awful Fhristians (Fake Christian) who condemns people if they aren't Christian. I have been so many things, it would in fact be hypocritical to judge someone else. I had my reasons for doing any and everything I did, or believed in, at the time. Therefore, I accept everyone.

Now, let's get this straight: I am not the best Christian.

I make plenty of mistakes. I do tons of wrong. And I know it.

I'm not exactly where I should be with God, but I'm trying. I am proud to even admit there is a God. I used to shutter in disgust at the thought. I am proud.

What spiritual/religious/non-religious affairs do you all posses? I'd love to know where you all are coming from.

In the end, things will all pan out. And everyone will know the truth. No matter what you believe or don't believe. I know that.

As for death, you do not scare me.

In the words of John Donne,

"Death be not proud...Death thou shalt die..."

** And, Charli suggested that I make a list of my strengths since I have been so down lately, from my blog entry title Run away Rainbow... and I thought I would share a few...

- I have been able to find a belonging in the Spiritual world, when I never thought I could.

- I know wrong from right. Meaning, I have morals, and I stick to them. Nothing or no one is going to peer pressure me into doing anything I feel is truly wrong.

- I am finding strength everyday to quit smoking. I am so young, and I need not ruin my health. I am trying to be strong to overcome this addiction.

- I am there for my family and friends. This does take strength because to be able to support someone else, you must first be able to support yourself.

- I wake up everyday. Even though I have the option, not to. **