Sharon in Wonderland

Everyone has dreams, right? Dreams of something that has the potential to happen but that is totally going to take alot of drive and willpower. Well, as I have stated before, I like class. Class is so very important to me. Let me begin this by saying this is what I want, and I will get it, someway, somehow. The city is where I want to be. I want to be one of the crowd for once in my life. I am so used to being the center of attention and being a leader; I think it's time to follow. I want to live in a city apartment, right in the big middle of a city. Somewhere big. New York City? Chicago? London? Pittsburgh? Atlanta? Houston? Las Vegas? I just want the city life. This city and state I'm in now, is leading me to nowhere. Louisiana has nothing for me . I am literally going no where that I want to be. I don't want to have to own a vehicle. I want to walk everywhere or ride a bicycle perhaps. I want to have little coffee shops and fashion fiestas right around the corner. I wan...

I was driving down a very curvaceous road at about midnight as the rain was lightly falling onto the windshield of my car. The darkness surrounded me and swept me away into an abyss of magic as the leaves fell into a whirlwind onto the wet paved road. I couldn't help but to smile at the sight of this. It was so amazingly beautiful I just breathed in slightly and kept driving happily. The rain continued to fall down from the sky onto the earth at that particular position and in that particular place. Happiness and silhouettes revolved around the night sky and I felt so blessed to be observing this. The leaves were the most amazing thing to me in all of this which was going on. The tress swayed in the breeze and the branches shook just enough to allow the leaves to be set free and evolve into a completely different aspect. They weren't part of the tree anymore, they were their own being, their own matter. The tree set them free to be on their own so they could be something new an...

So even though I am not in a good mood for whatever reason that may be, today is Thanksgiving. This is a day to be thankful for what we all have. So, Let me think, what am I thankful for? My health, my family, true friends, my dog, my new job, my stable house, my beauty, my intelligence, my access to technology, my relationship, my clothing, my education, my freedom. Now, I am very grateful for all the things I have and I know that many people do not have it as good as I. Sometimes, I am so very ungrateful and bratty about everything. Say for instance, I wanted a shirt and I wanted that shirt to be in pink but they didn't have my size in the pink, I pitch a big fit about being too fat or too skinny when I should just gratefully choose another color. Some people don't even have the money to buy the shirt in the first place. Some people cannot even see the color of the shirt. Some people can't even get a ride or have access to a store to even view this shirt! See, now I feel ...

Throughout my life, I have had so many family problems. My parents split when I was nine years old. They were married for twenty-two years, and thirteen of those, were before I was born. I had a pretty decent childhood up until that point. I was raised in a nice Pentecostal home, part of a middle class family, and I was always taught to value things I had. After the divorce, everything went downhill. My father met another woman, whom, he lived with for seven years up until last August. During those seven years, I spent most of my time being brainwashed by my mother into thinking the world was so terribly corrupted (which I learned on my own anyway) but, I turned into this robot full of fear and paranoia. My father put me aside, which really hurt me as a young girl. All I ever wanted was my father to love me and be the one believing in me. After the break up of him and this first woman, we moved back in with my mother for eight months. They made a sort of pact to raise me in my last yea...

Life is so crazy right now. I have so many stories to fill you in on, hope you are ready for a ride on my roller coaster. I've been staying with my mother for the past week or so because my father's wife and I got into in a few weeks ago and I couldn't take it anymore. Well, I am staying back with father for the night and we all talked and settled all the problems we were having, so I'm considering moving back home. The thing is, I really love my mother and it makes me sad to leave her. Divorce is so hard on a kid. I was nine years old when my parents split and it's killed me practically every day of my life since that warm summer day that I remember as if it were in fact, yesterday. My romance life has been slowly picking up. I have been getting to know a really great guy and we finally started dating about two weeks ago. I'm really trying to take things slow. Now, I know I said I wasn't ready and all that, but it really just HIT me in the face! I wasn...

"I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier I know that the clubs are weapons of war I know that diamonds mean money for this art But that's not the shape of my heart" I am a deep person. I am a beautiful thinker. Contemplating tomorrow and what good there could be awaiting on the other side of the field is my favorite pastime. I am adventerous and willing to jump into an unknown world to seek happiness. I have a heart, and I know how to use it. I have a brain and I know how to use that, too. I've learned that honesty is in fact the best policy. Man only has one thing in this world and that is his word. Words are everything, as are actions. I try to live my life using class, pride, and intelligence every day. Being classy is one of my biggest goals in this life. Class means so much to me. It's the way a person carries themselves throughout life and everything it throws at them. Pride is essential in having self-esteem to believe in yourself and your situat...

I went to the gym today and really had much time to think about what's going on in my life and how I'm going to fix things that aren't going the way I desire. As I was working out, dripping sweat, I looked around at the people around me. People at the gym are there for one reason and one reason only. Themselves. It takes willpower and drive to work out at the gym. Lazy people just will not be found there. Noticing this, made me look deeper inside the person and think "You know, I wonder what's going on in that person's mind, right this very moment...?" This led me to try and pre-judge someone, not in a bad way, but just to try and figure them out by their actions and their movements. There were several, very fit and beautiful, young females, two oriental males, two not so pretty females, about five handsome, in shape, males along with myself, and my best friend; just of whom I noticed of course. I sized these people up one side and down the other, just by ...

Today had it's even share of peace and khaos, mentally, in my mind. I had an, overall, okay day, I suppose. I cried, laughed, smiled, frowned; all in one day. I came home with a migraine from all the stress I'm putting on myself. Why? I haven't the slightest clue. I went without eating all day, that made me a tad bit irritable to be around. But, once I ate, all my emotions came running everywhere, all over the taco wrappers on my mother's table. I just cried and sobbed and played pity party over the past (which I cannot change) and it was quite silly looking back, to be frank. I need to get a grip. A firm grip. I did spend time with a good friend today after class. We just sat and talked for hours. He's going through the same thing I am, missing an ex- lover, but he's in a relationship, and missing someone else. It's  tough! It really is tough on the soul to deal with heartbreak. I don't recommend falling in love. It's a one way street, a dead end ro...

Sometimes when I'm lying in bed, trying to sleep, this odd sensation fills me up, like I'm going to die. I'm not scared, and it doesn't make me uneasy, I just feel like when I go to bed, I am not going to wake up in the morning. I am not depressed. I am not mad or sad. I am feeling fine. I am not sick. Nothing. I just feel like my time is up. Like, God wants me to accept the fact. I really don't know what to think about it. I mean, I get a little sick to my stomach, and I end up falling asleep, and forgetting all about it; until the next night. It's like, something to do with when I go to sleep. I wake up and say, "Oh ha, I'm here! I was just being silly!" But why do I keep having the same thoughts, repeatedly, almost every night? It's an odd feeling to be completely honest. I wish I didn't feel that way. I want it to stop, or at least know why.  Is it God's way of telling me something? Is he going to take me away? I guess I'll neve...

Everyday is the first day of the rest of my life.  I'm going through a phase. I don't know a good name to call this phase, but I think we will refer to it as a "career phase" for now. For the past, oh five years, I have dreamed of becoming a coroner. This is my lifelong dream. I've studied everything I can, I've bought books, watched videos, everything. I've performed an autopsy on a dog when I worked at the Lake Area Animal Hospital, I've scheduled tours of funeral homes, everything. I am going to college fall 2009 for this profession, if it's the last thing I do. When I get older, I want my kids to ask, "Mom, what did you want to be when you were a kid?" and I want to be able to answer them, "Baby, exactly what I'm doing right now." I don't want to get stuck in some dead end job, doing something I don't want to do. I look around and see people in the most stupid jobs. Slaving away for 8 dollars an hour, doing what ...

"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge." I had a really great day today, and you know, there really wasn't any particular reason why. I just, enjoyed every breath of air...every blink of an eye...every smile from every stranger on the street or in a passing car. It's not love, it's not drugs, it's not money, it's just happiness. I've recently gotten my priorities back in order. They were so askew before and I'm happy that I know where and what I'm doing again. My head is finally clear of all the mess and I can breathe, think, and live much better. I'm not like a walking zombie anymore. Being single is pretty fun. I don't have to worry about being cheated on, saying the wrong thing, trying to impress someone, being on my tip toes worrying all the time, you know the drill. It feels good to just have to worry about myself and not someone else all the time. Yeah, I miss cuddling and being romantic, but there is a time and a place...

After dinner this evening, I was thinking about all the individuals I know who can't get someone out of their mind, for one reason or the other. I can relate to this, but many people want to find someone for the wrong reasons. My father's friend has a few younger kids, around the age of fourteen. They came over today, and were hanging out with me. We talked and she was telling me about her boyfriend and such and I found out that she just lies to her parents about everything. She is, fourteen, and this kid she's "dating" is somewhere around sixteen or eighteen. The adjective she kept using to describe him was "hot." Hot this, hot that. No, no, no. I saw exactly through this mechanism of her "dating" and I just was appalled. You don't date or look at someone because they are "hot." Looks aren't going to get you anywhere when years from now you try to hold a stable relationship with someone. Looks are important, but should not be...

As they say, life goes on. Life for me is slowly going on, I would presume, as I am still sitting here. Alas, I am still sitting here wondering how and why the things in my life have happened to me. Why me? Why must I have to deal with heartbreak, loss, suffering, pain. I actually might have somewhat of an answer to that...because it's a part of life. Life gives many things to us. It offers many opportunities for advancement, and willingly makes us happy at times. But nothing is just a give situation. Life gives and takes . Life took something I treasured away from me, love. I want the sunshine to pick me up, and wrap me around about in it's magnifying glory. Wisp me into infinite subliminal dimensions. I want something to be my sunshine...someone? Maybe not someone, as humans are so unpredictable. Humans are so very unpredictable. As each of us holds our own mind, and none of us are mind readers, we cannot predict what another is contemplating, therefore we cannot prepare ours...