'Till death do us part.

Sometimes when I'm lying in bed, trying to sleep, this odd sensation fills me up, like I'm going to die. I'm not scared, and it doesn't make me uneasy, I just feel like when I go to bed, I am not going to wake up in the morning. I am not depressed. I am not mad or sad. I am feeling fine. I am not sick. Nothing. I just feel like my time is up. Like, God wants me to accept the fact.

I really don't know what to think about it. I mean, I get a little sick to my stomach, and I end up falling asleep, and forgetting all about it; until the next night. It's like, something to do with when I go to sleep. I wake up and say, "Oh ha, I'm here! I was just being silly!" But why do I keep having the same thoughts, repeatedly, almost every night?

It's an odd feeling to be completely honest. I wish I didn't feel that way. I want it to stop, or at least know why. Is it God's way of telling me something? Is he going to take me away? I guess I'll never know, now will I. See, I am finally happy in my life. Things are going the way I want, why would I be feeling this way? Is it depression? I take anti-depressants, for PMS syndrome, but I have no idea why this is happening. It's not suicidal or anything, it's just the fact that I am going to die in my sleep and that will be that. And, I don't freak out about it, I just go to sleep. So weird!

I went outside to smoke a cigarette a few minutes ago and take Isabella outside to poddy before bed, and it was so lovely. The moon is SO bright, it lit up the entire sky with a beautiful pink glow. It's breezy and the rain finally stopped. I was standing there, thinking about death. My favorite quote is "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that is troublesome." That really opens my eyes to see that death, in preparation, is not so scary. But, when do we know? I mean, for instance, people who are sick, know they are going to die. What what about us others? How do we know? When are there signs? How do we know those are signs indeed?

Oh goodness, I belong in existentialist town, aye. I honestly do not want to die right now. I have so much ahead of me, and I'm finally where I need to be.

God, let me live, live the life I'm meant to live, until death, do us part.