Lessons learned.

Throughout my life, I have had so many family problems. My parents split when I was nine years old. They were married for twenty-two years, and thirteen of those, were before I was born. I had a pretty decent childhood up until that point. I was raised in a nice Pentecostal home, part of a middle class family, and I was always taught to value things I had. After the divorce, everything went downhill. My father met another woman, whom, he lived with for seven years up until last August. During those seven years, I spent most of my time being brainwashed by my mother into thinking the world was so terribly corrupted (which I learned on my own anyway) but, I turned into this robot full of fear and paranoia. My father put me aside, which really hurt me as a young girl. All I ever wanted was my father to love me and be the one believing in me. After the break up of him and this first woman, we moved back in with my mother for eight months. They made a sort of pact to raise me in my last year of school. One spring day in April, he met another woman while playing in a bar. They fell in love and were married in September. We bought a brand new home and picked up and started over, yet again. It totally gets old, it really does. Nevertheless, I was grateful for what I was given and I tried to appreciate the blessings that I later discovered to be nightmares.

I have been through so many religious paths since I could think for myself. I, like I stated previously, was raised Christian. I began questioning the beliefs of Christianity and claimed to be Agnostic. I lived day to day in this mindset for a few years. Around this time last year, I discovered Paganism. I studied Wicca, and soon progressed into becoming a Wiccan. I practiced this for almost a year. This part of my life is still so very special to me. The craft taught me so very much about my life. After this faded, I became a complete Atheist over time. I was such a strong Atheist, it was scary. This also, taught me so much about my life and the lives of others around me. This was the way I stayed up until a few months ago. I then, came back to Christianity, and yet again, I am venturing off into unknown waters. At one point in my life, sadly to admit, I picked up the Satanic Bible. I flipped a few pages, and set it aside for all those months. I ended up giving it to someone, whom unfortunately, didn't need it either. So, I have really been wanting to pick up the 'ole Wicca books again. But, here's the catch, I know it's wrong. Witchcraft is completely against the Holy Bible, so why the hell would I want to read it and study it again? It made me feel safe. It made me feel at peace. Something Christianity, sadly, never gave me. I don't know if it's my fault, or God's fault, or whomever's fault, but I want it so bad. I want to feel the power again. Something, however, tells me it is a test. A trap even. Dare I say, I do not know if I should pick it up again, or not. It feels right, yet so wrong.

Today made me realize alot. I got punched in the nose, yelled at hysterically, and kicked out on the side of the street. Now, who of earth would one contemplate doing this? Heathen! No, my very own mother. This is the second time I have been thrown out of the vehicle, due to her delusional ways. I am officially living back with my father. Now, my father, as I have been informed, missed me very much. I found this alarming, as he abandoned me yet again for another woman to satisfy his needs. I was going to run to the store, and he walked in my room and asked if he could go with me. I looked around slightly, and said yeah, sure Dad. So we hopped in the truck and took off. Along the way I asked him why he wanted to come with me so suddenly. He replied that we never spend one on one time together. I smiled. That really made my day.

After everything that has been going on, I really realize that I may have been too hard on people in the past. I need to lighten up and get a grip. People aren't perfect, nor will they ever be. Love people for who they are, or don't bother with them at all. You can't change someone into what you want them to be, no matter how hard you try. Either they will come around, or they won't.

Here it is, one:twenty three a.m. on Thanksgiving morning and all I can do is think. Think think think. Now, thinking isn't a bad thing, but sometimes I just want to, chill.

I think I am addicted to smoking. I, of all people, never thought I would ever pick up a cigarette, and look at me now. I am so very young, and I really hate to see myself throw it all away for a nicotine fix ever hour or so.

I totally cut my hair way too short a few days ago. I am really disappointed in myself. My hair was one of my best assets and now it's all gone. I mean, it's just hair it'll grow back, but all in all, it's kind of sad. My dad says it was a self-inflicted would, which it was! but still. I used to have jet black hair, I miss it so very much. But, most people liked my Blondie better. Oh look at me rambling off about hair. Ha!

Here's another thing I could use some advice on. My new boyfriend and I have been officially dating for oh, almost two weeks. No big thing. Well, his family has been in town the past two days and he has been spending alot of time there. He says he only gets to see them maybe once a year. I have been moody about the whole ordeal, because I miss him, and he thinks I am overreacting. My mother didn't make it any better by saying, he is trying to pull out slowly by not inviting me to be with his family. I mean, I talked to him about it and he said that wasn't the case. I just, gosh, it's so hard to size people up! I really am honestly trying to have a serious relationship with him again, like I was in for a year. I am just trying to pick up and carry on. I think that's exactly it. I can't do that, I have to start over. It is just so darn hard! I want him to want me, if that makes sense, and he does show me affection, I just don't know if we are going to work out. I want to believe we can, but if we are facing problems this early on, I mean, is that a sign?

Oh my, all these "signs" in life really baffle me, I mean, how am I suposse to know what's a sign and what just is. Life is so complicated.