Solitaire.

"I think I've already lost you, I think you're already gone. I think I'm finally scared now. You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong." As time progresses on, I realize exactly where I went wrong. I can look back now and it just be a journey. Have I reached my destination yet? That is the true question. I used to dream so many things when I was a little girl. I never wanted to be married. I never wanted any children. I wanted to live all on my own, with no man to worry about. The way I saw, and still see, it as was just another situation which had the opportunity to go wrong. I was never the person who needed anyone around. I was an only child growing up with little family, with the exception of parents, and I've been okay with that. I've always fantasized about the big city life. The lights, sounds, atmosphere--I wanted it all. I still want it all. Finally I am free from the burden of a man to control me. I don't care what anyone says, being in a relationship ties you down--even if you think it's worth it. Sure you may love that person, but you will always have to end up sacrificing something in the long run. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm honestly too selfish of a person to be with someone else. I've actually learned that the hard way. I don't have the patience to wait around for people to do what that need to be doing. I definitely don't care about other peoples problems. I'm just a solitaire person, I guess.

People say this is a bad thing. I really can't figure out why they say this though. Being solitary is the most refreshing thing in the world. No drama, no dealing with other peoples mistakes, no fighting, no bickering, no putting your well-being aside-- none of that (unless it's with yourself of course.) Then one would argue that it's not fun to be lonely. I have a solution! For me, at least, I don't use people as a realm of satisfying loneliness. I use things. I am a very materialistic person! Is this bad? Not sure. But, it works for me. I use hobbies to occupy my mind.

It took me a long time to admit why I don't allow myself to get close to many people. In conclusion, it's because people always seem to hurt me in the end. It's too hard to deal with. I've been hurt enough for a lifetime. I use writing and reading and studying and things to take up my time. I used to be such a social butterfly when I was younger. As I got older, I began to see inside the true depths of people, and I became frightened. I ran away from situations where I could get hurt. I still do that. In the end, sometimes I still get hurt, but usually, I don't. That wall I built stands strong to this day. When it comes to relationships with men, since my big break-up in 08, I do it every single time. I can't hold down a relationship it seems because I don't want to get hurt. Many women are like that I've heard. It's human instinct! I mean, why would you want to keep going back to the things that cause you the most pain? Exactly. You wouldn't.

I always wanted to live alone, in a high rise apartment in Somebigcity, U.S.A. I wanted to be able to ride a subway or walk to work everyday. I always dreamed of being in a Criminal Justice type field. That hasn't changed. I always wanted to be able to visit a coffee shop with a book store after work to wind down. Then, home at last. A nice hot bath every night and cuddle up in my satin pajamas with my dog. Fall asleep reading a book, and wake up and do it all over again. That's seriously what I wanted. I didn't ever envision a man or kids in my life as I got older. I never wanted them and, honestly, still don't. Here's the part that confuses me. If I so badly don't want a man, then why do I always date them, become involved, make plans (that I really don't want), and get heart broken all over again like always? I can't seem to make that part clear. Maybe it's because I am human afterall and long for that companionship (whether I want to admit it or not.) I wish I could look at a man and think nothing other than him being a person. I don't want to automatically think of their physique or charm or whatever else draws a woman to a man and possibilities of a future when that's not really what I want! I can't seem to put a wall up in those types of situations, unlike friends.

I'm going to have to make it up in my mind not to date people if it's constantly going to encase turmoil! I want clarity in this so much. I wish a magic genie could make me realize everything I need to be in order to get where I'm going. If only life really had an "easy" button!

By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone...