Johnny Walker Red.

Funny how sometimes you are just tempted to look at that old photo. The one where you and him are standing so happily, smiling, hair glistening in the sunshine of the setting sun at the boardwalk, waiting on forever to come. Then, you come across a picture of him and the one he left you for. Funny how you even came across it in the first place, right. You can't help but stare into his eyes and try to sense what he is feeling right there through that glossy picture. Is he really happier with her? Does he ever miss what he had before? Then, shifting a few centimeters over to her eyes, thinking, do you really know what you have? Why did you take him away from me? Why couldn't you just let him have time and not be such a tramp to hook the first one your little figure could catch? Do you realize the pain you have caused me?

Funny how he holds her. How he looks at her. How he even stands and sits. It's all so familiar to me now. I've been there done that. I've seen that, felt that. What's funnier is they didn't last. They didn't last but two months. He left her. Just like he left me. She was so young and naive. Much more than I. That's probably why he fancied her. She'd do anything for him.

The thought still makes me sick, and weak in the knees. Not the good weak either. The kind of weak that makes you want to fall over and die, weak.

I heard his voice for the first time in a while today. It was so sweet. It sounded nothing different than of which I can remember. His words curtailing every curve on my body. Going in and out of my ears and my mouth, my heart and my soul. It was perfect. He called. To ask for a favor. He was working on a project and since I have planned a many of events and other community occasions, which he knew, he needed some advice. I gave it to him. Talking as less as I could, just so I could feel his presence and his mind for as long as possible. It worked. He talked, and talked about this, that, and the other. It gave me a sense of security him being there again, needing me. Wanting me. I couldn't stop smiling. My heart skipped beats like it did when I first laid eyes on him, over two years ago.

And then, that was it. Before I knew it the line was dead. Subconsciously I ended the conversation as normal....but all I could remember was his laugh and his tone and his meaning.

I want it so bad. The past few nights, I could't sleep. I laid down in my bed. Covered up. And put my sleep mask on to block out an interceding light. Sometimes those things are helpful, and sometimes they just aren't. In this instance, it was nothing but horror. It was so black that all I could imagine was the twelfth of December this past year. Remember? When he sucked me back into his web. Romantically inciting me to giving him exactly what he wanted... and I did.

Laying there in my bed almost three months later, was exactly like laying there him standing over me that rainy winter day. I could remember every sound he made, every breath he took, every blink of his eyes, and every word that came from his lips.

I wanted to run away...

So I did. I ran to the couch. Not much of an escape but at 3 in the morning that's all I was up for. In hopes maybe my room was just bringing back old memories. Old feelings... and it always does. His spirit lingers here. Still. And I know it always will linger here.

I wish it would go away.

The thought is just giving me chest pains. So now, here I sit, yet another night without sleep. I cannot seem to get away from him. No matter how hard I try, SOMETHING or SOMEONE brings him back. Or he brings himself back. Either or.

So, It seems like I'm always his last call. For everything.

I'm tired of being last.
Second best.
Or nothing at all.


But maybe I caused this all on my own for not trying as hard as I could have. Not appreciating him for what he did all that time....



"Maybe I wouldn't be driving like hell, flying like crazy down the highway and calling everyone we know, stopping any place he might be...Going any place he might go, beating on the dash, screaming out his name at the windshield, tears soaking up my face, If I had loved him this much all along, maybe maybe, yeah maybe...he wouldn't be gone...he wouldn't be gone..."