Lonely meets denial.

I put up my Christmas tree today. I really don't care if Thanksgiving hasn't arrived yet, either. I felt it was time for some holiday cheer. I'm hoping for a life altering season. I've been in my house for a week straight. I haven't been in the city once. I get so bored sometimes, but it feels good to just relax. I never knew the meaning of nothing until recently. Most of us never have time to sit at home with really nothing to do. I have. I sat in my rocker and gazed outside the window. I had no chores to complete, no place to go, nothing to fix, nothing to do what so ever. It felt good. But, I am a young woman who used to NEVER stop. I went and went like the energizer bunny. This little experience has given me plenty of time to think beyond the universe, though. I've had so much time to sit and think about all the things I've never had time to contemplate. I asked myself so many questions about life and what I want mine to become. It's hard really, having time to think about things we normally choose to avoid. And, oh, I couldn't avoid them any longer. I know what it feels like to avoid and avoid until it isn't even an issue anymore; which isn't proper. When I do that it makes me feel like a liar, a deceiver. I mean, technically, I'm not, but denial isn't the best drug of choice either. Anyway, my path to change has been quite successful. I've thrown so many bad people right out of my life. It feels good. I actually even deleted all my social networking sites (i.e. MySpace, Facebook, Twitter) because of all the time I've wasted on there. It pointless! I had, oh, 557 friends on my Facebook, right? I know almost all of them but do they really care what I'm doing every second of every day? I think not. I sit and waste time chatting with these people who couldn't give a care if I lived or died. It's ridiculous. So, they are gone. I only have my Blogger left, which is for writing and posting. I don't know any of you in RL anyway, which is the way I prefer sometimes.

I can also site here all day and say I have friends in this world. But, if I needed someone, almost none would come. None would be at my side. When I was a young girl, I was riding in the truck with my father home. I was talking about all the friends I had at school and how much people like me and all of a sudden my dad said something I will never forget. "Sharon, you'll be lucky to leave this world with one true friend." I laughed at him and blew it off. He was so right. My father is one man I look up to with great admiration. He has never failed me. He has been right on everything he ever advised me or told me. I'm a fool if I don't listen to my father. I guess age really does make you wise...

I've been very lonely. Friends have disappeared after high school. It's like, entering high school or middle school all over again when you go to college. Everyone is new. Nothing is the same. People change. They aren't what you're used to. They don't look at you the same. They judge you automatically. People don't know your history or background--and don't really care to know. College is a fast life. Fast thoughts, fast moving, fast paced. I like it. I feel like I'm away from home when I'm at college, even though I've grown up in this city my whole life. It's so diversified. But, the conclusion here is, it's hard to make new friends when you get older. In school it's easy. You don't have bills to pay or mouths to feed. In the real world, people focus on one thing. They focus on living. People are a necessity anymore. Friends aren't going to pay the bills or feed their kid's mouth's. Time is money. And that's that.

I wonder where I'll be in five years. Ten years. Twenty years... Alive if I'm lucky. I can't keep denying I have people in my life to support me. I don't. I have a few, very few, intermediate family members, and that's truly it. I was very popular in high school. I had friends and groups and clubs to be involved in. These past two years...it's been rough. I used to need human attention. Now, it's just plain non-existent. It really doesn't matter if I need it anymore--I won't get it.

Am I destined to a lonely life?

Comments

Fireblossom said…
I saw a tv show once, I've forgotten the name of it, but this space alien (bear with me) came to earth and inhabited the body of a young woman, in order to report back what it was like, living on earth. On their home planet, they were all one being, but as a human, she was this artist who observed everyone around her, but couldn't really make a significant connection with anyone. I never forgot the last line she speaks in her report: "So this is what it means to be human...isolation."

I have found that, for me, it goes in cycles. I'll have a lot of connections, then I'll be solitary, then back again.

Good luck! :-)
November 20, 2009 at 6:17 AM
SharoninWonderland said…
This is interesting! LOVE that quote! Thanks for sharing!!

Cheers!
November 21, 2009 at 8:19 PM
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