Another monster under my bed.

I have a problem. The problem is not wanting to go to class. I know I should. I know education is one of the most important things in life, but I can't do it anymore. I just don't want to. I see life as having more things to do than going to class. I am very very intelligent, that's not the problem. The problem is, I have lost all drive to go and sit, and pretend that I like it. Pretend that I'm interested. Many people believe me to have ADD and Bi-Polar disorder. I have yet to seek medical help, but maybe I should. I enjoy life very much, but here's the thing; I want to live it on my terms. That's just being ignorant. I seriously think I can do whatever I want and think everyone else is wrong. Now, I am a leader and always have been, but I just want to step back and smell the roses. Sit down on the park bench instead of leading the crowd down the street. I want to live a simple life alone, and do what I want. I don't have a problem working, I like to work. I just HATE class. I mean, man. I just don't know what to do anymore. My friends and family have talked to me about it all, and I just hate it. I find ANY excuse not to go. Being sick, car trouble, just whatever. It's getting ridiculous.

I see life as more than sitting in a class room. Sure education brings money, but money doesn't always being happiness. So, why should I? I don't want just one profession my whole life. I will be a coroner one day, but I want to be a teacher, a flight attendant, and I want to do it all! So, what's stopping me? Why must there be authority! I am intelligent enough to make my own decisions. I'm tired of being told what to do.

Now, here's where the bi-polarism kicks in. When I'm NOT told to do something, and I do it wrong on my own, I blame it on not being told, when THAT'S WHAT I WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! So, you see, I am struggling with mental issues also. Should I seek help? I don't want to be diagnosed with something terrible, but in my heart, I know something isn't right. I am a smart young woman with many ambitions, but there is some kind of monster inside holding me back. It's making me loose all drive to be anything I want. I can't seem to figure out what it is...


Comments

Wait. What? said…
My son does have ADD and he hats sitting in class - he has been tested and has scored at a college grade level - he is in the 10th grade now - I say knowing is better than not knowing so if possible seek some kind of determination in what exactly is the problem.

After all knowingis so much better than not knowing - even if you do not want to go the medicated route you can figure out all the symptoms to be aware of and become more attune to yourself.

Cat
December 16, 2008 at 12:48 PM
Wanderer said…
Hi Sharon,

Thanks for following my blog and letting me know about your blog.

About getting diagnosed, I agree with Cat-knowing is better than not knowing. As you know, I suffer from schizophrenia and I was diagnosed pretty early-that got me into therapy quickly, which was a very good thing and something you should consider. And depending on where you live you might find a support group to go to to feel things out with other people. The fact that you are aware that something is not quite right is a very good sign. Many people never get that far and live in denial which is not a good place to be.

About not wanting to go to school--that may very well be a result of suffering from ADD or BiPolar. If you are serious about leaving school, take a leave of absence, leave it open in case you change your mind in the future. That's what I did when I became psychotic and then I went back to school three years later and got my BFA degree in painting and photography.

I also suggest, if you haven't already, reading up on ADD and Bipolar Disorder. Check out Kay Redfield Jamison's An Unquiet Mind--she wrote a memoir about her experience with Bipolar Disorder (it was then call Manic-Depression). And I also suggest that you visit the NAMI (National Alliance? On Mental Illness) message boards. They are excellent. You can find the link on my blog. That's a good, safe, private place to go to get to know others who have been diagnosed.

Good luck!

Kate : )
December 16, 2008 at 3:18 PM
Brandi said…
I will not spaz. I will not spaz. YOUR SCHOOL IS SOOOO IMPORTANT. Ok I didn't really spaz. ;)

I only say that because I do it to my little sister all the time. I shouldn't have quick school and did. Boo
December 16, 2008 at 8:54 PM
dianem said…
you remind me of me. I barely got an assoc. degree and decided school was not the answer. I cannot learn in a classroom. I am happy in my decision to not pursue school. i learn by doing. So, I am 35, and have been in my field (horticulture)for over 10 years and I would not change a thing. Btw I have OCD, and I manage just fine. I am planning to start a business in the next couple of years.
December 16, 2008 at 11:58 PM
Shadow said…
i have add. never been treated. if it's too easy, i loose interest. if it's too hard, i loose interest. passion. that's what i need to do and carry through with something. passion comes and goes. then?? i take a break. it comes back. well, to me anyway. sometimes it's not possible to take a break, gotta follow the rules. and then things bomb. where am i going with this? no idea. just thoughts that came up reading this. one thing i DO know. sitting back, listening and smelling the roses is learning too.
December 17, 2008 at 3:03 AM
Sage Ravenwood said…
Would it hurt to be tested to know for sure? I live with someone who is OCPD which is far worse than being OCD. Without medication I don't see us having a reasonable life at all.

Take a leave of absence from school until you can get it sorted out. Life is confusing enough without forcing your hand at something you may not want out of it. I've already done the scold thing with my daughter about college. At the end of the day I had to sit and listen to what SHE wanted to do with her life (To date she's happily married to a soldier, not rich but what does money mean for the price of happiness).

At the end of the day that same question is for you, now what everybody else thinks. What do YOU want out of life? Go to the dr. get checked take it one day at a time. Life will be what you make it. (Hugs)Indigo
December 17, 2008 at 6:29 PM
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