Lipstick lullaby.

I broke up with him last night. Plain and simple. I told him that I thought we should just be friends and that I wasn't feeling happy in the relationship. He was upset, but took it very well. He said it's ok that we both could use some time to think. I was upset. I couldn't believe I did it, so guess who I called? The ex. The one I still love. And boy o boy, was that the most stupid thing I could have done.

He answered after the first ring. He was friendly, and I told him what had happened and what has been happening  in my life. He was comforting and there for me. I cried and cried and yelled and just was so distraught. We ended up talking for three hours. We talked about anything and everything that had been going on and that had been happening.

He asked me if I wanted to come over tomorrow, which was actually today since this happened yesterday, and I said "yeah, sure" excitedly. He did tell me that he did not want to be with my anymore and he didn't have those feelings but that he wanted to be friends. Anything that was done, or whatever, was going to have no strings attached and was going to be casual. I thought to myself, okay, and wondered why he said this.

I woke up today and was very tired and not feeling good. I received a text from him that said "hay I'm not at school." I said, OK. I was waiting for him to get out of class anyway, but turns out he never went. I went over and parked, got out and just couldn't believe what I was doing. He opened the door and gave me a hug and we walked into his room. It felt so odd being there again, when I never thought I would be. 

We hung out for about an hour outside talking and smoking and laughing and, flirting. I knew what he was doing... he was trying to make me fall for him again and not to be his girlfriend, but to sleep with him. Time went by, and we went inside, was under the small influence of a few things, and laid down and I laid down and watched television. I really couldn't think anymore I was so blown. He started touching and feeling and flirting and asking me this and that and the other. I was so exhausted I didn't know what to do...

Honestly, I am so disappointed in myself. I let him do these things. I let him take advantage of me. I had a choice. I did. I feel so bad right now. Here's the thing, I thought being and spending time with him and pleasing him would make his feeling change. And guess what? They didn't. His feelings did not change at all. He still wanted to be single. I didn't matter. If you're wanting to know what happened, you probably are right. Yeah, it went all the way...

This made me feel so incredibly low. I can't even express how I am really feeling right now, except for used. I fell for his trap and the thing is, I did it for all the wrong reasons. I mean, yeah, I wanted to do it, but I shouldn't have. And he shouldn't have. He began everything, but I could have left.

We both agreed to not do this again, as for it being so very awkward. I sat up and I just couldn't fucking believe that I had done this horrible thing. It didn't hurt him, all it did was hurt me. I had false hopes for things that are in the past.

The reason I am writing this particular event is because this is my life story. I'm sorry if you have been offended, but "Life is a Wonderland..." and this is my story. My blogs may not always be happy and go lucky, because life in fact isn't always that way. Everything leads up to a wonderland...and even this was part of a wonderland. Doing something taboo and wrong and completely out of demeanor is a wonderland in it's own. I don't necessarily regret all this today, but I just feel bad and under stimulated and worried.

-Lipstick Lullaby-

I smiled, you laughed.

Our eyes blinked to the craft.

The art, we once made, 

is beginning to prevaid.

The touch, of your hand,

on my body is a wonderland.

Even though, I know, it's wrong

I want to feel like I belong.

The sheets, they turn,

in and out, you're my concern.

I want this time to last,

now, don't let up your grasp.

I feel so high,

I never want to say goodbye.

But now it's time,

to wake up and recognize the chime.

Of your heart, it's black.

I never should have come back.

I tried to make, 

you realize what you don't really hate.

And all the time I've been here, all I did,

was make tears fall from my own eyelids.

For the sake of you and me,

All I can say now, is "Au revior, and mai oui."

I'll never have you as my own,

and I'm the one to condone.

I'm hurt now, worse than,

you melt at me like a snowman,

In the sun, it's hot out,

I never want to loose my clout.

Again, here I go,

back to the only life I know...

I don't know how to handle this. I feel used and awful. I screwed up and now I'm having old feelings come back and th thing is, I know nothing will ever become of this. I am already depressed, and now my depression is deeper than any ocean on this planet...

"I'm at a loss for words, looking up at the birds..."