How to Disappear

I feel like everything is not going to be ok. It doesn't matter how many inspirational quotes I find on Pinterest, how many people say I'll get through this, or how many times I pray to Jesus for comfort. My life has been flipped upside down for almost a year now. As surprising as this sounds, this tale isn't about my mental health. I remember the twinkling lights shining down above me from the Christmas tree as I laid on my couch last year. Stuck. Unable to move. For about 4 days. It was slow at first. It crept up on my life like a panther in the pitch black wilderness getting ready to make it's move for dinner. After those days passed, it came and went again, several times. As the New Year rolled in, I remember limping through my kitchen thinking to myself... "I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life." Fast forward to nearly a year later. Today, I took a bath for the first time in over a week. Not because I'm depressed. Because I have become disabled. I now must use a cane and/or walker wherever I go. That is, when I can get out of my house. Out of my bed. Off of my couch. Yes, I'm seeing doctors and specialists. Yes, I've had several tests done. Yes, I've applied for disability. Yes, I'm on Medicaid. And yes, they're circling the drain. They are dropping the ball over and over again. It's taking forever to get answers. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Mental pain is one thing. Boy, did I think I had it rough before. Physical pain is one thing. Now, having both, well that is the slowest form of suicide. I once thought love was. I was very very wrong. I'm only twenty seven. 27! I had different plans than this. I at least thought I'd be able to wipe my own ass sufficiency. Nope. Walk to the mailbox. Nope. Cook myself a meal. Nope. Drive, anywhere. Nope. My best friends now are shadow puppets on the walls. If I want to look at something, I look up at the ceiling. I'm normally one of the most outgoing, bubbly, fun, crazy, interesting people in a room. Now? I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm hurt. I'm...... tired. After everything I've already been through, now all I want to do is learn how to disappear.