Radioactive Reminiscing.

I've missed writing. Maybe that's why life has been so empty the last two years. I've wondered for a long time what my purpose was. I've been feeling empty, lost, and confused. My relationship has been hanging by a thread for over 2 years. Or has it? I wonder what keeps things together sometimes. What makes people's decisions either remain firm or crumble into pieces?

My stay at 10 Tower (psychiatric unit) in mid-October was definitely the eye opener for much of my current outlooks. I've been diagnosed severe depressive and manic bi-polar. That explains alot! I've fought my whole life with things I never understood. I just thought it was normal to feel that way. I've finally been 100% medically compliant on my anti-depressants since October 14th, 2012. First time I've actually taken it everyday. It feels good. I'm also fighting a few other demons that I'm trying to lock deep down. The scary part about that stuff is, sometimes you really don't want to lock them away. Society just makes us feel like we have to. I've dabbled around in things I'm not entirely sure I regret or not. I guess I'll figure that out later.

I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready to just BE where I need to be. I can't determine whether or not I'm on the right track or not. Another scary part of life. I want to get married...have a relationship with my husband...have children...and LIVE. I feel like everything is just flying by me so quickly and I can't keep up. I feel like I'm being left behind...but as to it if's my own will, I do not know.

I miss blogging. I miss writing poetry. I miss the little things I used to live for. When times weren't so serious. When life wasn't so hard. When the biggest decision of my day was what shoes would be more comfortable. Life has definitely taught me so much in the last few years. I'm trying to take it for the best...and use it's knowledge to better myself, but sometimes it all just seems so pointless. I'll know which direction to face, when the wind blows hard enough to push me down in that vicinity.

Comments

Unknown said…
Fascinating...
Here's ours...

Dunno if you saw this before
...yet, here it is once moe, curly:

Greetings, earthling!
Need summore new-fangled-thots N ideers? Look no firdr, brudda. Can't stay long. Done gotta git, Paw... yet, if Im a sower, we plant the Seed; if Im an artist, we RITE the Word:

Would U please help a plethora of King Size, wildchild, rawkuss poetry/wordz which are lookin 4 a home in thy novelty?? Thx. Whew. They're pretty insane. They're bereft of reason. Oi! Blimey! They're bloody PINK spiders!

Gotta gobba lotta shrewd, surreal, supersonic, sardonic satires, sassy N savvy elixers N electronic elegance (and palpable nuance) on our YOUTHwitheTRUTH blogs. Wannum? Have'm. N'joym. Gettm outta my hair!!!

How mucha wanna betcha our sugar-high-mojo, pleasure-beyond-measure, fuse-blowin-exploits R a copious madhouse of one lavish bookay D.O.A.? Our proFUSE NRGod who leads U.S. to explosive fairy-tales in the 'one-stop-shop' symphony Upstairs? Almighty God's the BigDude, the Owner of ElysianFields, the Grand Prize, the Austere Overdrive, NoPurchaseNecessary: our bombastic tenaCITY on a Hill which'll plant the Seeds 4u2 grow-up to new N greater heights!! Mama mia! Thatsa good pasta!!

CAUTION: our 22ish, avant-guard, accurately-atrocious, offa-the-reservation-like-Jimmy-Hoffa, metal breadcrumms R sooo out-of-order, toots, they're an intimate wealth of bottomless sophistication. And dats da lethal fak, Jak. Go ahead. Sue me. Yawn. But, yet, here's the perennial KOO D'TAH: who else has actually SEEN the Great Beyond in spirit & lived to tella youse bout the bionic, bloated, brevity-like-earth we're living on?? Yes, earthling, Im an NDE, almost salivating4salvation. So gain altitude, never attitude: death has no intrinsick favorites.

If Mr. abSUREditty's an ultra-great-reward, and not everyone enters, Q: why is it an excruciating deluge of epic-.357-caliber where the quality's a limitless bulldozer plowin, pushin-your-power-cord with eternal goodies? A: the Prize-A+-TheEnd just gives U.S. moe-curley-graphix 2 VitSee: an explosion-of-extravagance which few R asking 4 anymore! Grrr. They're too concerned withe grotesque sanity of ambivilant piss-ants which swiftly crawl like lemmings to their scorecard destruction. C'est la guerre.

THANK GAWWWD!!! the Don has the ebullient BAWLS!!! to do the Manifest Destiny!!! To lead U.S. forward to the White House Upstairs with his SQUARES!!!

So, break-free, earthling; be like a contraversial outgrowth of incredibly-intoxicating-effusiveness in your zeitgeist to give the ultimate, stunning, backknuckle potency: Wiseabove. Wanna join this useFULL idiot Upstairs 4 the most zany, kooky, X-acto-knife antidotes? Extremely exquisite, explicit endorphins in abundance? Puh-lenty of pulverizingly-tantalizing psychopathic psychosomatics with eXtras? i2i-kick-velocity's-ass-ultra-maximum-rocket-fuel-party-hardy at my pad ya ever encountered without d'New Joisey accent 4 an eternal slew of precarious, magnanimous & primeval absurdities indelibly etched in the granite corridors of eternity with a total-barrage-of-melt-in-thy-mouth 'depth-of-undenial'???

Make Your Choice  -SAW
...cuzz nobody gitts outta here alive, earthling.

PS we gotta meet Upstairs.
Let's getta Big-Ol beer.
Gotta lotta tok bout.
cya soon...
Find-out what RCIA means and join.
That's how you can
be the closest to me.
July 27, 2017 at 10:02 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

But there's another face.

There's a side of chronic pain and mental illness you don't see. Another face. It's after you've just had it. After you've absolutely had it emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's when your mascara from the day is running down your face inching further away from your inner eyelids where you spent all morning getting your eyeshadow just right. You winged your eyeliner perfectly and now it's just a black blur. The tears fall off your eyelashes like raindrops fall off leaves after a fresh rain. The glitter from your lids slide down their pathway across your cheeks. The blush has been gone. Your lipstick smudges and doesn't look as beautiful as before these feelings began. Your nose gets stuffy and red from how upset you are feeling and it shows. Your foundation starts melting off where the tears have now left their cleansing residue journey across those blushless cheeks. You just really want to wash your face, curl up in your bed, and cry a little more...
Read more

Final Execution.

Image
Things are slowly getting better. I told my parents and closest people who knew the situation about the whole ordeal with my ex the other day. I am feeling much better to be quite honest. Everyone that I spoke to about it, said it didn't have to be taken as a bad thing. This was closure for me. This is the end of the rope. I know what I don't want and what I do want. After being hurt and used and manipulated, at least now I know what I am made of. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? Today was pleasant!! IT SNOWED! IT TOTALLY SNOWED ! Yeah, sorry, I've never seen snow before!!!!!! It was so amazing!!! Snow in Louisiana is  so uncommon. I woke up this morning, and there was snow EVERYWHERE. I ran outside and was like "holy crap this is great!" I yelled at my mom and she ran outside and I threw a snowball at her. I mean, it is what I suppose one would call, "Wet Snow" because it happened in such a southern place. It melted not long aft...
Read more

Johnny Walker Red.

Image
Funny how sometimes you are just tempted to look at that old photo. The one where you and him are standing so happily, smiling, hair glistening in the sunshine of the setting sun at the boardwalk, waiting on forever to come. Then, you come across a picture of him and the one he left you for. Funny how you even came across it in the first place, right. You can't help but stare into his eyes and try to sense what he is feeling right there through that glossy picture. Is he really happier with her? Does he ever miss what he had before? Then, shifting a few centimeters over to her eyes, thinking, do you really know what you have? Why did you take him away from me? Why couldn't you just let him have time and not be such a tramp to hook the first one your little figure could catch? Do you realize the pain you have caused me? Funny how he holds her. How he looks at her. How he even stands and sits. It's all so familiar to me now. I've been there done that. I've seen that, ...
Read more