Back to December.
They say the years will fly by. As a child, I didn't really understand what that meant. As the years have passed now, I seem to have a whole new outlook on the meaning of time. They also say time heals all wounds. I have also come to realize the truth in that statement. In the moment of things, we tend to make more out of it than we realize. I'm learning how to think more about the future with the aspect of thinking about a situation and asking myself if this will really matter a year from now...or will this effect my potential in any way. 9 times out of 10 the answer is no. That's when I learn to pick my battles and walk away. After having my heart broken by countless souls since I was a child, many walls naturally sprung up as a self-defense mechanism. That made it hard the last few years in finding my one and true soul mate. Another thing I've come to learn is that your true love will always find a way to tear down the walls you never meant to build.
Last winter I met him. Last winter I grew to know him. Last winter I fell in love again. Last winter I felt laughter I had forgotten and smiles that were prying to escape. He was rough around the edges. He is still rough around the edges. But, that's what I like about him. He's sensitive. That's such a rare thing to find in a young man. Sensitivity. The world has become so hardened and raw. Values have been abandoned and souls have been so mislead about how to treat ladies. He was rough around the edges and I knew I could be very wrong about him, but how glad I am now that I didn't let my history change my future.
The beginning was rocky. I felt like I was putting in so much time into something that was just going to disappointment me, again. He had a lot of issues that I had never had to deal with before. It was hard to be with someone whom you couldn't entirely relate to. Being in a relationship is work. It's never easy and there could always be improvement. I then hit a rocky spot in my own life and that's when love hit us the strongest. Dirt broke and wasted days grew us closer together. We spent every waking moment together and I never grew tired of it. Never. I dreaded the nights I had to sleep alone without him looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes and dirty blond hair falling into his eyes and sticking out from his backwards hat.
I knew I had gotten myself into something I was either going to one day regret or one day cherish. Walls began crashing down all around me and sometimes it was more to bear than I felt I could handle. My heart sank into my chest more often and butterflies basically camped out in my stomach for weeks. I remembered that feeling. You never forget what love feels like. Time went on like it's done for centuries upon centuries. My feeling grew stronger and heavier and I began to loose track of time in my life. Love has no date. It has no clock. The days went on. Then the weeks went on. The feeling grew and grew. Then on February 4th, 2011 I lost my grandfather. I had never lost a loved one while I was in a relationship. I truly now believe that is a test of faith for any couple. He was beside me when I didn't know what road I was even on anymore. We helped each other throughout the bad times that followed.
Comfort-ability ruins a lot of relationships. When you become comfortable with someone, you let your guard down. Your true colors begin to come out. That's when you really know someone. It also changed your views on someone after seeing them before and after the real you comes out. We began to hit kinks in our beautifully chaotic road. It began to become stressful. The impressing stopped. The random kindness began to fade away. If you're thinking how this sounds crazy, then we truly must all be mad in here. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Time creeped along some more. Things began to pick up and then there the sudden drop would come. Wonderful to dreadful. Arguing over needless topics and ridiculous thoughts. That is what kills love. Ridiculousness murdered love. Anxiety became a norm. But then, there would be utter bliss. It was the most beautiful thing now that I look back at the circumstance.
On March 24th, 2011 I lost my 7 month old brother. The second death in 2 months. He supported me like no other. He kindled the flame that was slowly dying away in me. He may never know truly how much I needed him. He will probably never know how much I will always need him. I couldn't even compose words good enough to merely explain it to another human. Only God himself knows.
Things then took a dramatic downfall. He started a new job and was beginning to get his life on the right track. I was so proud. In May I grew sick. I ended up being in and out of the hospital and eventually having emergency surgery. He was by my side the entire time. The feeling I have toward him for being there is like no other. I was weak, scared, and afraid. I needed courage and strength. He was then, in my eyes, a real man. I survived all the suffering and began a new job being a waitress at a local pub. Financially I was strapped. It was hard. I had to sit out a semester of college due to the deaths and sickness that surrounded me. I didn't have a lot of hope left. He restored that. He may truly never know how much of a revival he showed me.
Life was hard, but it was for the most part enjoyable. I was tired of arguing about pointless issues. I just missed the love we had once created together. I wanted to feel that again to remind me that it was in fact real. As I type this, I feel as if I am writing someone elses story. I then have to remember this is my life. These words tell my life.
One day I felt hope. I was tired of feeling miserable within myself and drowning in my negativity. I took on a whole new outlook about life and have been doing my best to keep it ever since. He is still by my side. He may never read this. And there is always a chance that he may. One thing is for sure, he is not something I regret. He is in fact something I cherish. I am so happy with the way my life is going and how bright out future looks if you take a step back and realize we overcame so many obstacles. I want to marry this man one day. I want him to be the father of my children. He is so amazing and special to me and I will never forget how he taught me to let the past go.
Last winter I met him. Last winter I grew to know him. Last winter I fell in love again. Last winter I felt laughter I had forgotten and smiles that were prying to escape. He was rough around the edges. He is still rough around the edges. But, that's what I like about him. He's sensitive. That's such a rare thing to find in a young man. Sensitivity. The world has become so hardened and raw. Values have been abandoned and souls have been so mislead about how to treat ladies. He was rough around the edges and I knew I could be very wrong about him, but how glad I am now that I didn't let my history change my future.
The beginning was rocky. I felt like I was putting in so much time into something that was just going to disappointment me, again. He had a lot of issues that I had never had to deal with before. It was hard to be with someone whom you couldn't entirely relate to. Being in a relationship is work. It's never easy and there could always be improvement. I then hit a rocky spot in my own life and that's when love hit us the strongest. Dirt broke and wasted days grew us closer together. We spent every waking moment together and I never grew tired of it. Never. I dreaded the nights I had to sleep alone without him looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes and dirty blond hair falling into his eyes and sticking out from his backwards hat.
I knew I had gotten myself into something I was either going to one day regret or one day cherish. Walls began crashing down all around me and sometimes it was more to bear than I felt I could handle. My heart sank into my chest more often and butterflies basically camped out in my stomach for weeks. I remembered that feeling. You never forget what love feels like. Time went on like it's done for centuries upon centuries. My feeling grew stronger and heavier and I began to loose track of time in my life. Love has no date. It has no clock. The days went on. Then the weeks went on. The feeling grew and grew. Then on February 4th, 2011 I lost my grandfather. I had never lost a loved one while I was in a relationship. I truly now believe that is a test of faith for any couple. He was beside me when I didn't know what road I was even on anymore. We helped each other throughout the bad times that followed.
Comfort-ability ruins a lot of relationships. When you become comfortable with someone, you let your guard down. Your true colors begin to come out. That's when you really know someone. It also changed your views on someone after seeing them before and after the real you comes out. We began to hit kinks in our beautifully chaotic road. It began to become stressful. The impressing stopped. The random kindness began to fade away. If you're thinking how this sounds crazy, then we truly must all be mad in here. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Time creeped along some more. Things began to pick up and then there the sudden drop would come. Wonderful to dreadful. Arguing over needless topics and ridiculous thoughts. That is what kills love. Ridiculousness murdered love. Anxiety became a norm. But then, there would be utter bliss. It was the most beautiful thing now that I look back at the circumstance.
On March 24th, 2011 I lost my 7 month old brother. The second death in 2 months. He supported me like no other. He kindled the flame that was slowly dying away in me. He may never know truly how much I needed him. He will probably never know how much I will always need him. I couldn't even compose words good enough to merely explain it to another human. Only God himself knows.
Things then took a dramatic downfall. He started a new job and was beginning to get his life on the right track. I was so proud. In May I grew sick. I ended up being in and out of the hospital and eventually having emergency surgery. He was by my side the entire time. The feeling I have toward him for being there is like no other. I was weak, scared, and afraid. I needed courage and strength. He was then, in my eyes, a real man. I survived all the suffering and began a new job being a waitress at a local pub. Financially I was strapped. It was hard. I had to sit out a semester of college due to the deaths and sickness that surrounded me. I didn't have a lot of hope left. He restored that. He may truly never know how much of a revival he showed me.
Life was hard, but it was for the most part enjoyable. I was tired of arguing about pointless issues. I just missed the love we had once created together. I wanted to feel that again to remind me that it was in fact real. As I type this, I feel as if I am writing someone elses story. I then have to remember this is my life. These words tell my life.
One day I felt hope. I was tired of feeling miserable within myself and drowning in my negativity. I took on a whole new outlook about life and have been doing my best to keep it ever since. He is still by my side. He may never read this. And there is always a chance that he may. One thing is for sure, he is not something I regret. He is in fact something I cherish. I am so happy with the way my life is going and how bright out future looks if you take a step back and realize we overcame so many obstacles. I want to marry this man one day. I want him to be the father of my children. He is so amazing and special to me and I will never forget how he taught me to let the past go.
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