Every single time.

The beginning of June is such a beautiful time, wouldn't you agree? This is the very month I was born; the twenty-ninth day. I stepped outside this morning and I wasn't smacked with the normal Louisiana humidity or automatic sweat. I was graced by the sweet touch of the wind. It was cool and collected. Nice, for a change. I'd say it was God's sweet and humble breath blowing down on me. It was refreshing. I wish everyday gave such a marvelous sensation as such.

The past couple of nights have been rough. I'm being tormented with happiness....fake happiness. Allow me to explain briefly. Every day I don't take my anti-depressant I have a dream about him. Every single time. I cannot explain it, I do not know why, but it is so. Sometimes I forget to take my medicine, or I leave it somewhere where I cannot get to it that day, etc. The dreams I have are delightfully frightening. It always starts out the way my previous day ended, more of less a continuum of my day. Every single time. He always blesses me with some pity story of apology and I automatically forgive him and BAM everything is back to normal, just as it was prior to September 30, 2008. Last night I dreamt we were laying together. He was just holding me close and telling me how much he loved me. It was the most beautiful sensation, having him close at hand, him looking just as my last memory recalls, glistening in the sunlight through the window. The funny thing here is, I took my medicine yesterday. So now, I can rule out my lack of medicine being the cause. But, when I wake up, I feel so very enthralled and excited, just as I did every morning before knowing I had him. After a few seconds pass and I open my eyes and have the blood flowing again, it hits me. Hard. Harder than ever. I realize it wasn't real. He doesn't love me anymore. He wasn't holding me close. He will never be there again.

I wish either I could live in reality or in my dreams. These demons are making it awfully hard for me to deal with either because they are so intertwined. Peace is all I desire. I am not unhappy in the least, but apparently, I am not at peace.

Honestly, I am tired of knowing him. I wish I could forget his name, what he looked like, where he lived, and if I do see him again, I would not know him from Adam. That is my desire. That would bring me peace.

Comments

Melissa said…
hoping u find peace girl..something im working towards myself. *hugs*
June 5, 2009 at 7:36 PM
Shadow said…
you'll find your peace. we all do in time. after my mother passed away, for months and months i used to wake from dreams of her with my pillow wet with tears. dreams and emotions so real, they affected my day. and one night, in my dream, my mother and i were talking, we hugged, we said goodbye, and from that moment on, i was released from the dreams and could carry on living...
June 6, 2009 at 8:17 AM
Sage Ravenwood said…
Your dreams are a reflection of your desires, your pain and all the complicated mess that is life. As Shadow said in time this too will pass and sort itself out. Always remember bad days don't last forever. (Hugs)Indigo
June 6, 2009 at 9:24 AM
SharoninWonderland said…
Shadow...thank you for your encouraging story.
June 8, 2009 at 6:20 PM
SharoninWonderland said…
Melissa, good luck in finding peace of your own.

It is in fact a long and hard journey at times.
June 9, 2009 at 5:24 PM
SharoninWonderland said…
Indigo, dear one, you are right, bad days don't last forever. And even though they are bad days and everyone has them, I really do cherish mine.
June 9, 2009 at 5:25 PM
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