Angels on the moon.

"Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't want to know."

Life lately is going pretty well. Aside from frequent nightmares and faint feelings of depression (my norm) I have been happy. Growing up hasn't been anything I ever dreamed. If only I would have known before, all the things I do now. It would have been so much easier. But I really think, learning is phenomenal. I couldn't have really played my life so far, any better.

My brother will be born soon. Caden is his name. How do I feel? Nervous! Scared. Responsible for his future? Most definitely. Possibly 6-8 weeks left. The house is baby ready. The nursery is all decked out with diapers, bottles, pacifiers, clothes, and all the decorative trimmings. My father is nearing fifty- three. His wife is nearing forty. I am an only child, and always have been. 18 years older than him, I'll be when he's born. Some people say this should be the best thing to happen to our family! I want to agree, but I can't. My father has sacrificed everything for this woman financially, emotionally, and physically. It is very difficult for me in the least. I don't like her. The way everything sort of happened is the sick part. My father plays guitar in a band. He plays in some of the local bars and joints around. Well, they met in a particular bar called "The Spot" just over a year ago. The were married on September 11, 2008. They became pregnant 30 weeks ago. Prior to this pregnancy she had a miscarriage with my father also a few weeks earlier. My dad never wanted anymore children. He always said "I was one too plenty." My mother and father were married for twenty-two years and had me thirteen years after they were married. They divorced when I was nine. My mother never remarried and never carried a relationship. My father, however, dated a woman and lived with her for eight years prior to 2008. Their relationship ended badly, and he moved back home with my mother and I. They never got back together, he merely just lived there. My mother still is head over heels for my father. She will always love him more than the sun. He doesn't pay her any mind anymore. They made a vow to finish raising me and get me through school. That's why they stayed together, to give me somewhat of a family situation. It didn't last. They fought. My mother ended up in the hospital when I was on a trip to New Orleans last year. It might have been for the best...

So, after he met his current wife, she wanted a baby. I was furious. They barely know each other to this day. I call her a gold digger. She takes everything and gives nothing. It makes me angry. Now, only a few weeks until her child is in this world, and my dad looks miserable. He was finally getting ready to finish a few more years as a welder, which he has done since he was seventeen, and enjoy life. He has been a very very hard worker all his life. He deserves to enjoy his money and the rest of his life. But no, she had to have a child. He says he wasn't "for or against it" in front of her, but we have many secret talks. He is getting sicker, older, and weaker, and now a new baby BOY is coming into the world?! It really drives me crazy at the thought. I know it is not the child's fault. I just somehow wish she would disappear. I honestly fear for my father when he is older. This woman has complete jurisdiction over his health! I have a very deep feeling that her and I will get into it years down the road; if they make it that far.

They didn't date long enough to get married, number one. They weren't married long enough to have a child, number two. Here I am, a college student, struggling to pay for things I need, really depending on my family to help me in this time of need, yet, she took everything from me it seems. I don't write much about this and I am not sure why. I'll have to write more and get advice from all you wise owls out there. This is a huge part of my life that is very hard to deal with. All I ever wanted was to be close to my father. Every chance we ever got, a woman entered the picture.

I don't think I'll ever get the chance to love my dad the way I desire, and to have that love returned.